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How to be the Happiest, Healthiest Version of You

2020 has been  a wild ride for all of us. I originally wrote this post more than a year ago, before we knew what 2020 had in store for us. But I am reviving it this year, because I know that we are all looking for ways to be happier amidst this chaos.

Between the virus, the election, the incredible display of police brutality against people of color… it can all just feel like too much sometimes.

I hope to inspire you with this post, and that you will find a few ways to be happier this year, and every year after.

Because regardless of your circumstances, you can still be happy. You can still live a positive, healthy life even when the world is going to shit.

I want to share a tiny bit of my story with you, even though it’s not something I talk about frequently.

I’ve experienced more joy and more pain in the last two years than I ever knew was possible.

Beginning with the separation of my marriage in late 2016, and then spiraling from there. Two back to back unexpected deaths in my family in early 2017.

I basically spun out of control, and couldn’t seem to stop myself. I was self-medicating, hurting everyone I loved because I was so deeply hurt and I didn’t know how to cope except to lash out.

I spent more than a year on a downward spiral, unable to get back on my feet even though I hated what I had done to myself and my life.

Then, in January of 2018, two little blue lines on a pregnancy test turned my world upside down. I had no idea then how this little boy would transform me. How he would change me for the better, even before he was born.

I was reckless, out of control… killing myself and not caring who it affected, even my five year old daughter. It was an incredibly difficult time in my life, and I don’t easily share it.

It is not something I am proud of, but it’s important to me to own my story.

When I found out I was pregnant with my son, I was devastated. I hadn’t planned to have any more children. Hell, I hadn’t even planned to have the first one.

I spent months in bed, wondering what people would think about me being pregnant ‘again’ (my husband has two children from a previous marriage, so this would technically be our fourth) to wondering how the hell I was going to deal with another child.

I have learned so much from the last few years, and going to therapy has helped me tremendously in figuring out how to be happier and just deal with life in general.

I have spent years losing myself entirely and having to rediscover who I am and what I want for my life.

I am still working every single day to become the best version of myself that I can be. In that respect, my work will never be complete. We can always be better than we were the day before.

I want to share with you 10 things I have learned to let go of through this transformative time in my life. I started this blog to help others. To give back in a small way, while doing something that I love to do.

I hope that you’ll find something meaningful here.

Here are 10 things to let go of right now to be the happiest you

 

1. Expectations

Having a new baby really teaches you to lower your expectations about what you can accomplish in a day. It reminds you that it’s okay if some days all you do is keep your kids alive and fed.

I have learned to let go of my expectations. To let people and situations be what they are, not what I think they should be.

To stop placing unrealistic expectations on myself and other people.

It is okay to expect greatness of yourself. To work hard for what you want in life, and to expect yourself to do and be everything you can possibly be.

But it is also okay if you fail. It’s okay if you fail over and over again.

Successful people did not become that way by winning at everything. Your greatest success is usually right around the corner from your greatest failure.

So learn to lower your expectations, let go of unrealistic ones and just breathe. Trust the process, trust that you are on the right path.

2. Resentment

This is one I’ve been working on my whole life.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably been betrayed a time or two.

You’ve been disappointed by someone you loved. Someone who was never supposed to let you down. Possibly even, like me, your parents. Or one of them, anyway.

If you’ve ever experienced this type of pain, you know it’s not easy to let go of.

It is not easy to forgive, but it is necessary.

It doesn’t matter if that person is sorry or not. It doesn’t matter if they know what they did wrong, or how much it hurt you.

It only matters that you live a happy, fulfilled life. And you cannot do that if you are holding onto resentment or anger. The two cannot co-exist.

3. Toxic Relationships (even with yourself)

I know a thing or two about toxic relationships.

I spent four years in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship before I met my husband. I was so incredibly young and vulnerable, and I was taken advantage of.

I let go of that person and relationship completely and totally after I met my now-husband. I was ready to let it go and move forward with my life.

But the damage was lasting. It affected the way I behaved towards not only my husband but everyone in my life.

It affected how I viewed myself.

I was out of the toxic relationship with that man, but I had entered into a new one with myself.

I hated myself. I was never as pretty, smart, funny (etc, etc) as everyone else. I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t deserve to have a good life or to make anything of myself.

Because of my past, I believed that I was undeserving of everything I wanted for myself.

It takes a long time, and a lot of unwavering determination, but you have to figure out how to unlearn every negative thing you think about yourself.

Unlearn, and let go of the toxicity towards yourself. Let go of the notion that you don’t deserve everything you’ve ever wanted, no matter what you’ve done in your past.

4. Your idea of ‘how it’s supposed to be’

There is nothing worse than having an idea in your mind of how something is supposed to look or be, and then being body-slammed by reality.

How disappointing.

But here’s the thing. Like I said before, you have to learn how to just let people and situations be what they are. You have to trust that things are exactly the way they are supposed to be, even if that isn’t what YOU had in mind.

If you learn to just take everything at face value, you will be disappointed way less often.

Stop trying to bend everything to your idea of how it should be. Not everything is perfect, and not everything is going to go exactly how you planned it.

But that’s what makes life extra beautiful, and I think that’s what makes people beautiful too.

Who knows, it might turn out to be even better than you imagined anyway.

5. Comparisons

THIS ONE.

This is one I struggle the most with, I think.

Everyone always likes to say ‘don’t compare yourself to people on the internet’ because people on the internet are only showing you half the story. They are only showing you their best sides if you will.

But I think some people forget (or just aren’t old enough to remember) that even before the internet existed for us, we were comparing ourselves to our neighbors, friends, and colleagues.

Where do you think “Keeping up with the Jones’” came from?

It is in our nature to be jealous. Everyone has a little green streak in them.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s important to remember to keep it in check.

It’s okay if you see someone driving around a gorgeous Mercedes and a little jealousy creeps in, and you think ‘I’m going to have one of those someday’. That’s a good motivator to work your ass off for that Mercedes.

But it’s not okay if you feel terrible about yourself when a girl you went to high school with buys a nicer house than you. Or when you see all your friends getting married before you, or whatever.

If other people’s situations and lives start to make you feel bad about your own, check yourself. Remember, no matter how great they make their lives seem… they have problems too.

Don’t compare your middle to someone else’s end.

6. The idea that you need ‘more’

I am one of those people who is never content.

I need diversity. Travel. I have to move my furniture around and redecorate my house every couple of months or I start to feel stagnant.

I am always hungry for something I can’t quite put my finger on, so I try to fill that hunger by going shopping. Or acquiring new things.

This is sometimes a new lipstick. Sometimes it’s a new car. To the point that I have owned 7 vehicles in 6 years.

After many years of trying to fill some void with more stuff that I don’t need, I finally figured out that buying shit wasn’t working.

It doesn’t matter how much stuff I buy, I will always feel like I need more.

Maybe it’s a character flaw, or maybe just some really deep and repressed damage from childhood trauma. I don’t know, but what I do know is that I have to find other ways to fill that void.

I have to find healthier and more sustainable ways to fill myself up because material things are not cutting it.

Also, I find that when you just buy, buy, buy all the time you start to grow ungrateful for what you already have. You worry so much about everything you don’t have that you forget that you likely already have everything you could possibly need.

And you forget to be grateful for it.

7. Bad Habits or Vices

Oh, this one is a hard one.

Unfortunately, I have an incredibly addictive personality.

I have never tested the waters with drugs because I knew that I would become addicted quickly and easily.

I am a former smoker, however. I smoked on and off for about 9 years.

Of course, I quit immediately upon learning I was pregnant both times. I’ve also quit just for the sake of it. None of these times were easy, and I was a monster while withdrawing.

Like I mentioned before, I also struggled with Xanax & alcohol addictions briefly.

Here’s my take: Most of us are missing something. Most of us are damaged, some more than others. Most people have a few holes in their hearts.

Some of us don’t know how to deal with this. Some, like me, were never taught healthy coping mechanisms. Because we don’t know how to cope, the next best thing is to numb.

Here’s the problem with that: you cannot selectively numb feelings.

You can’t just numb the pain, because while you do that, you’re also numbing the joy and every other feeling on the spectrum of human emotion.

You are supposed to be feeling things. You’re a human being, who is so evolved that you’re capable of the widest range of emotions. Don’t take that for granted.

What a beautiful and terrifying thing it is to feel everything.

It’s terrifying, but if you allow yourself to feel the pain and get through to the other side of it, you will have opened yourself up to be capable of feeling the most joy you’ve ever felt when the time comes.

You will be better for having been soft and vulnerable and allowing yourself the freedom to be human.

8. Perfection

I have always been afflicted by the ‘perfection bug’.

You too?

It’s a blessing and a curse. I know that nothing is perfect. I know that nobody is perfect.

It’s not that I have to have everything perfectly in place at all times. I am actually quite unorganized and messy sometimes.

But I expect perfection of myself.

I am incredibly hard on myself, in all aspects of my life. I have to be perfect and successful at everything I do. If I’m not, I tear myself apart for weeks or sometimes even years.

It has been incredibly difficult, but I credit motherhood for saving me from myself here.

Being a mom has taught me so many things about myself. In particular, that I don’t have to be perfect to be loved.

These little human beings love me and need me even when I am at my very worst. And if they can do that, then I can sit the F down and figure out how to love myself too.

I have to learn to love myself even when I’m not perfect. Even when I make mistakes, or say the wrong thing. Even when I fail.

9. Past Mistakes

You are not your past.

You are not your past.

You are not your past.

You aren’t under any obligation to be the same person you were yesterday.

Just because you made the wrong decision once, or you screwed something up terribly, or you did something horrible that you regret doesn’t mean that you have to continue being that person in that same state of mind.

At some point in your life, you have to forgive yourself. You have to figure out how to learn from the mistake and move the hell on.

If you don’t, you will be stuck in an endless and continuous personal hell.

Just like you have to forgive other people so that you don’t drown in resentment, you have to learn how to forgive yourself, too.

You can and will drown in resentment, whether that is towards yourself or another person.

 

So just let it go. Write it down and burn it. Scream it into empty space. Go break something.

Do whatever you have to do, but let it all go.

XO, M

letting go personal development self help